Burning Angel - Phoenix

Hello, and welcome to a very special update of UR JERKIN’ Tonight’s update features some beezie from this message board I post on, and basically she’s just getting into porn. She’s been the topic of attention, as people continuously argue about her – whether they would or wouldn’t, whether she’s hot or not, how many times her father raped her and spit on her – you know, typical message board banter. Anyway, thanks to the porn internet, now myself, and a pretty large amount of others get to watch and laugh at this chick getting fucked on the internet for free.

So the scene starts off with some guy doing something. I don’t know what. Then Phoenix sits there and writes something down while she begins to play with her vergina through her panties. I guess there are spirits or something stupid in the house – the guy starts praying or begging or something. Phoenix does not appear amused. Phoenix then informs us that there is a banshee in her pussy! Ooooooohhhhhh scary! What really lies within the depths of that meat magnet I do not know, but maybe this dude will find out. So the dude basically starts doing a really shitty job of eating her out, while she moans. You know how porn is. Anyway, the dude does this for a bit, then removes her dress, as he licks her nipples, then feels her ass, all while making noises that sound like the dude has never seen a somewhat attractive girl naked before. After this the porn takes a twist that could be some straight up M. Night Shyamallama shit - the dude removes his pants, and Phoenix starts sucking his cock. So while doing this, the dude plays with her vagina a bit, and part way through, I notice a few key problems. Since this will most likely be read by the actress that we’re all watching get plowed, please:

1. Stop giving handjobs.

2. Don’t forget to cup the balls.

Now that that’s taken care of, back to the porn. So after she stops giving the dude head, he starts hitting it from behind. During this part, it seems like she’s moving pretty awkwardly, while the dude is just trying to get his dick wet. So after a while of watching her ass jiggle while the dude smashes, she sits on his dick, and you can see her legs jiggle now, as the dudes penis continuously pops out of her musty old clap-trap as he barely fucks her. At about 15 minutes in, the camera pans out and you can see her fucking weird ass looking hip and pelvic bones, as they flop around and jiggle ever so awkwardly. It’s really mesmerizing, in a Goatse sort of way. So after a few more minutes of their tomfoolery, she begins doming the dude up, while stating that she loves choking on his cock. I believe it. Then they fuck for a short while, she grabs her tits, and asks for the dude to cum upon them. Despite the fact that the dude is still fucking her, and isn’t even about to cum. I know you’re absolutely aching to have this stranger soak your tits with his bodily fluids, but chill. So eventually the dude cums, she licks her finger, then the dude goes back to chasing ghosts. The end.

So, that was cool. Not the most interesting porn. Or even a remotely good one, but whatever, this chick from the internet just got fucked, and we all saw it, and probably got a few cheap laughs. Don't forget to check out the thread for some back story and a few good laughs. Link is under her picture. UR JERKIN' OR SOMETHIN'

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Allyssa Hall - Dis-graced

Hello, and welcome to the latest UR JERKIN' This scene is with Allyssa Hall, and is basically her being humiliated. Or at least that’s what the website name infers. Allyssa Hall is pretty hot, so I have faith that this scene will at least be interesting, if not arousing. I won’t waste any more time, so on to the scene!

The video begins with some annoying cameraman yelling something at his friend, Otto. Then Allyssa Hall starts talking, while giving off the appearance of being a young girl. So a lot of annoying discussion happens for a while, then we find out that Allyssa is only a senior in high school, and was a babysitter or something stupid like that. She wants a straw, and the dad in the movie gives her a Twizzler straw, and struggling with the package for a few seconds. They decide to play a game where she tries to guess the flavor of each Twizzler while blindfolded. I sure wonder what those two men are going to try to pull.

Allyssa begins the game, and guesses “yellow” as a flavor, while the dad pulls his dick out and puts it right by her face. They shove a fuckton of Twizzlers in her mouth, and make her suck on them. Then the dad tapes her hands behind her back, and shoves his dick in her mouth. After a bit of that, he begins to shove a bunch of Twizzlers in her mouth again. This is surprisingly degrading to women. I didn’t expect there would be so much degradation from a website called humiliated.com. Anyway, the dad guy eventually pulls up her shirt, and starts spanking her. They keep giving her Twizzlers, and being pretty obnoxious. He then paints an elaborate story of Allyssa’s prom night, while the dad starts having sex with Allyssa. At this point, I sort of feel bad for Allyssa. Then the dad asks if she likes it, and she says she does, so I no longer feel bad for watching this. The dude continues to fuck her, occasionally letting out a Tim Allen grunt. She then begins to play with her “fuckhole” while the guy puts Twizzlers in her vagina. Then the guy starts fucking her again, while the cameraman continues to be obnoxious. Eventually, the guy says he’d like to fuck her in the ass, and then proceeds to attempt to. It doesn’t happen though for whatever reason. I mean, she’d let them put Twizzlers in her vagina, but she won’t take it in the ass? What is she, Christian or something? Anyway, way more sex happens, and she eventually admits that she likes having dirty old men fuck her. So for whatever reason he gags her, and says he’s going to take her to fuck on the sofa. What a romantic.

After a bit more fucking in the kitchen, they do indeed go to the sofa. Apparently Allyssa went and cleaned up, because she doesn’t look remotely as fucked up as she was before. She’s shirtless, and is doming up the same dude. He facefucks her for a bit, but it’s really awkward and bouncy, and I can’t imagine that it really felt that good. After a pretty big amount of dome giving, the dude starts to fuck her again. He does so for a while, and eventually she cums, and gets on top and gets fucked a lot more. A pretty tedious amount more, I actually dazed off and started thinking about Super Smash Brothers by the time that he stopped fucking her. So after, she starts giving this guy head, and the cameraman continues to make pretty funny comments. “Go and deep throat it baby, I love it when you deep throat it,” was a pretty memorable one. So they fuck a lot more, and then the end comes. It was possibly the biggest disappointment of the day. It was practically nothing. Nothing good happened, nothing funny. I could have written a brilliant ending to that scene, which would have really made you think. But no, it was wasted.

So aside from the shitty ending, it was an interesting 30 minutes of erotic film. I still think that I could easily write a better scene of pornography, but oh well. I’m going to go play Smash Bros now. IM SMASHIN’, UR JERKIN’

Screens: Come on, it's Allyssa Hall. Just download it, or google screens. I don't know a good adult image host that won't trojan people, anyway.

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